I don’t want to go

Here’s just another blog where it is way too late and I should be asleep but here we are. What I really wish I could say is that I am overjoyed and pumped to be leaving in a short amount of 2 months but that just simply isn’t the reality of the thoughts in my head right now. As time gets closer and closer things get more real and with that comes the raw hard realities that come with leaving making it harder to want to go. I have seemed to become extremely content and comfortable with where I’m at in my life right now. It has honestly been years since I’ve been filled with this much joy. This is where things get tricky. Let me give you guys a little insight on what me and Jesus have been having chats about lately.. 

Taking it back to two questions I was asked while I was at boot camp for the race, “what does full surrender look like” and “what is discipleship costing you”

Full surrender, jeez this one makes me tense up a bit more than it probably should. Yikes. I have gone back to my journal where I wrote that down at camp and under it is a big page of nothing. Not until tonight did I find the answer, and don’t get me wrong this answer will probably grow and develop more in time i’m sure. Here’s where I’m at with it, I’m constantly sitting with the heart posture of hey God you can have my AC, my clothing choices, my bed, my hot showers, even my chickfila but let me keep my people. Lord, I need my people, my community, my comfort, my security. The realization of this is challenging because I need to fight this worldly desire, I need to find my fulfillment in Him rather than people, I mean needless to say He’s the one who gave me these blessings in the first place, who am I to say He can’t have control. I keep coming back to the idea that this isn’t my ‘race’ but His, while yes, I am going to gain and learn so much during this year, it simply isn’t about me..I’m going to serve others and build His kingdom. 

What is it costing me.. This one brings out the hard truths, and after answering that question about surrender I know that it is going to cost me my people. Not only am I going to have to release my control over the thought of leaving them but my comfort in having them to fall back to all the time. I honestly believe this is going to bring some beautiful moments to the race when I’m in the middle of Cambodia on the opposite time zone and no service, allowing me to lean into that community and deepening my relationship with not only them but also with finding my fulfillment with Christ alone. 

All in all we can see that leaving my family, friends, mentors, and church is definitely not something I would necessarily choose but yet a sacrifice to allow me to fulfill where the Spirit has led me. Sometimes I feel guilty, I’m writing these blogs and the last thing I want is for someone to read them and think this all just happens in a moment, she writes a blog and bam the problems are solved, because that is nothing close to the reality. These blogs normally consist of a realization and a way for me to express them while growing daily in reminding myself to pick up my cross and to follow Him. Through this current challenge I’m working through, I’ve learned that staying in comfort doesn’t lead to growth and renewal, so tonight I’ve decided to FULLY give my life completely over to the Lord and lay down my control at His feet in order for me to be fully and readily available for whatever and wherever He calls me to. 

~AVAILABLE (elevation worship) “I’ll follow where your spirit leads, broken as my life may be, I will give you every piece, I hear you call, I am available….here I am, you can have it all”